I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
