i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
