I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
