Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
