How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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