Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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