she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Text me some of your sweat
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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