God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
