I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
