I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
