his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
