Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
