Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
