My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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