I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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