Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
