does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
