All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
