I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Your cock deserves a montage
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
