Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
