You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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