Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
