all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
