I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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