Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
