Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
