This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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