I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
