Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
