i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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