the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
