DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
