Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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