guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
