Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
