i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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