If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
