Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
