your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
