I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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