I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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