It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize