i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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