I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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