I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize