Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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