If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
