so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
