Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
