I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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