Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize