Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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