dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
