You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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