You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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