you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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