Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
